THE AVENGERS OFFICE

EPISODE TWO: TEAM BUILDING

COLD OPEN

INT. AVENGERS TOWER COMMON COMMON ROOM/KITCHEN - EVENING

Gwen is scrolling through her phone on the couch, sipping a cup of tea. Tony is tinkering with something.

Enter Loki holding an animal of some sort.

GWEN: "What do you have there, Loki?"

LOKI: "It is a noble Asgardian companion–a Fjölnarkatt."

TONY: "A space cat? The tower is not pet-proofed. I hope it is potty-trained."

LOKI: "His name is Catastrophe."

Loki sets the animal down.

Gwen and Tony exchange concerned looks.

GWEN: "Loki...Your pet is drinking my tea."

The animal is on the coffee table in front of Gwen and slurping out of her mug. Has it grown?

LOKI: "Good job, Catastrophe."

GWEN: "And what is so special about your alien  cat?"

LOKI: "I never said it was a cat."

The animal is now larger, faintly glowing purple, and sitting on top of whatever Tony was working on. It's staring him in the eyes.

Gwen looks concerned.

LOKI: "I suppose it is cat-adjacent..."

Enter Thor. He spots the Fjölnarkatt and is delighted. He swoops in and picks it up. It is even larger now, twice it's original size.

Thor holds the creature up and looks it in the face.

THOR: "This is an excellent Fjölnarkatt!"

(He pauses and considers it a moment.)

"He reminds me of Father."

Loki rolls his eyes.

ACT ONE

INT. - AVENGERS TOWER HALLWAY - MORNING

Alarms start blaring in the living quarters of the tower. One by one, the Avengers come out of their apartments. Steve and Natasha look ready for a fight, Gwen and Clint are still yawning, Bruce looks confused and Thor is nowhere to be seen.

STEVE: “What’s going on? Where’s the problem?”

Tony stands in the center of the hallway.

TONY: “Rise and shine, team! Today is going to be a good day. We have a full schedule ahead of us, so get your adorable superhero butts changed and ready for activities.”

NATASHA: “What kind of activities, Tony?”

TONY: “The kind that will bring us closer together. I’m calling it the Avengers Synergy Summit.”

BRUCE: “Closer together? We already work and live together. How much closer can we get?”

TONY: “Good question, my friend, and the answer is much closer. Just get dressed and meet me in the training room. You have 20 minutes.”

Gwen looks at Steve and shrugs. Thor finally opens his door in full armor, holding Mjolnir.

THOR: “I am ready for battle!”

GWEN: “No battle today, just a ‘Synergy Summit’ whatever that means.”

Natasha smirks.

NATASHA: "Sounds like Tony wants us to bond like preschoolers. Should be hilarious."

BRUCE TALKING HEAD

BRUCE: "When Tony says 'bonding' it usually means explosions or paperwork...sometimes both."

Clint rolls his eyes.

CLINT: "Great. I can't wait to play Simon Says and make friendship bracelets."

GWEN: (mock pout) "I thought you liked my friendship bracelets?"

STEVE: "Let's give it a shot. We don't have anything else going on today."

NATASHA: "Speak for yourself, Cap. I have plans to–"

(She catches the cameras, remembering that they are there.)

"Nothing. Classified."

Tony shouts from the end of the hallway.

TONY: "Clock's ticking, guys. Hurry up!"

Bruce and Clint reluctantly head back to their rooms to change. Gwen follows suit, disappearing into her apartment, still shaking off her grogginess.

Natasha whispers to Steve.

NATASHA: "20 bucks says the 'summit' is an excuse for Tony to show off some new tech."

STEVE TALKING HEAD

STEVE: “Tony does have a tendency to make big announcements or elaborate reveals of his new inventions. Once, we all had to listen to an hour long presentation of some small robot thing. I'm still not even sure what it does."

TONY TALKING HEAD

TONY: "Synergy-cooperation, summit-high level meeting. We are Avengers. Everything we do is high level and we rely on cooperation. This is exactly what we should be doing today and they are going to love it."

INT - AVENGERS TOWER TRAINING ROOM - DAY

A little while later, the team is all gathered in the training room. It's wide open, with mats covering the floor.

TONY: "I see everyone is here. Great start."

He passes out a colored folder to each person.

TONY: "These are very important folders. Inside, you'll find your partner for the day, a list of activities, and personality assessments."

Gwen flips through her folder.

GWEN: "I don't have a partner."

Tony notices and looks at his list.

TONY: "Ah, right. Uh, sorry, Gwen. Looks like you get to go solo today."

Steve raises an eyebrow.

STEVE: "Are all the activities for duos, Tony?"

TONY: "That's right. Two heads are better than one, right? Builds teamwork and all that."

Gwen shuts her folder with a dramatic sigh.

GWEN: "Guess I'll just...sit here judging everyone else's teamwork then."

Natasha sidles up beside her, twirling a pen between her fingers with practiced ease.

NATASHA: "I'll be your shadow partner. You can critique my form while I sabotage Clint's 'trust fall' attempt."

CLINT: (from across the room) "Why do I suddenly feel unsafe?"

Tony claps his hands together loudly.

TONY: "Alright kiddos! First activity - the Three-Legged Obstacle Course! Partners, come grab your ropes!"

Bruce squints at his partner assignment sheet.

BRUCE: "...Thor?"

THOR: (booms excitedly) "A GLORIOUS CHANCE TO TEST OUR SYMMETRY IN BATTLE!"

The camera cuts to Gwen dramatically facepalming as chaos erupts around her.

GWEN TALKING HEAD:

GWEN: "Am I surprised by the pairings? No, not at all. It's going to be a lot of fun to watch. And hey, at least I don't have to participate in some activities."

THOR TALKING HEAD

THOR: "What marvelous Midgardian bonding rituals you have! I shall enjoy discovering our inner truths!"

INT - AVENGERS TOWER TRAINING ROOM - DAY

With perfect timing as usual, Loki arrives. He looks down from the balcony in the training room at the Avengers, who are tying themselves together.

LOKI: "Is this some sort of new training exercise or a punishment?"

Gwen glances up at Loki with a smirk.

GWEN: "Worse. It's Tony's idea of team building."

Loki raises an eyebrow, leaning casually against the railing.

LOKI: "Oh, this is going to be delightful. The mighty Avengers reduced to trust falls and icebreakers. Do we get name tags too? 'Hello my name is Thor - likes: smashing, dislikes: not smashing'?"

Tony looks up from where he's struggling to tie his and Steve's legs together (Steve looks deeply unamused).

TONY: "Loki! Perfect timing - you can be Gwen's partner!"

Gwen whips her head around to glare at Tony.

GWEN: "I was enjoying my observer status, thanks."

Natasha mutters under her breath:

NATASHA: "Oh this is going to be good."

GWEN TALKING HEAD:

GWEN: "I really don't mind being paired with Loki but I was looking forward to sitting out of all the...synergy."

INT - AVENGERS TOWER TRAINING ROOM - DAY

LOKI: "I'm not playing any of your little games."

Gwen looks up at him with a shrug holding the rope they need to tie their legs together.

LOKI: "Fine. I'll be Gwen's partner, but I'm in charge."

Gwen smirks at the camera.

GWEN: "Whatever you want."

The camera zooms in on Tony grinning like a madman as he whispers to the crew:

TONY: (whispering to camera) "Best. Team-building. Ever."

Cut to Loki gracefully descending the stairs while Gwen stretches casually.

LOKI: "Let's make one thing clear - we're only doing this so I can watch Thor trip over his own feet."

Gwen nods approvingly.

GWEN: "My thoughts exactly."

Meanwhile, across the room:

THOR: (To Bruce) "Simply lift your leg WHEN I lift mine, friend Banner!"

BRUCE: (panicked) "That's not how legs work!"

[Camera cuts back to Gwen and Loki looking thoroughly entertained]

The race starts. They are supposed to go around the room dodging various obstacles Tony had set up.

Gwen and Loki are surprisingly good but still neck and neck with Steve and Tony behind Natasha and Clint. Thor is practically dragging Bruce.

Gwen turns to Loki with a mischievous twinkle in her eye. She waves her hand and the potted plant in the corner grows rapidly and trips all the other pairs. Gwen and Loki win while the others complain and try to stand up.

Gwen and Loki stand triumphantly side by side. Tony scoffs.

TONY: "Hmph. Cheating with her fancy green fingers. No fair!"

The camera switches to Bruce and Thor. Their legs are no longer tied together, and Thor is now carrying Bruce over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

BRUCE: (wheezing) "Put me down! I can walk!"

Gwen is the picture of innocence.

GWEN: "I didn't see anything in the rules that said we couldn't use our powers."

LOKI: "This might actually be fun."

Tony crosses his arms in annoyance, trying his hardest to remain composed.

TONY: "Fine. We'll keep going. Next up, we have the 'Trust Tunnel'."

Everyone groans except Thor, who looks excited. Bruce is now limping from earlier.

Steve rubs his forehead, exasperated.

STEVE: "What does that even mean?"

Tony grins mischievously as he presses a button on his watch. The floor panels suddenly shift to reveal a long, dark tunnel with glowing laser tripwires crisscrossing the path.

TONY: "Simple! One partner guides the other blindly through the tunnel using only verbal cues. No powers allowed this time."

(He pointedly looks at Gwen and Loki )

"Total trust exercise."

LOKI TALKING HEAD

LOKI: "I'm supposed to trust mortals who once tried to arrest me? Brilliant idea."

INT - AVENGERS TOWER TRAINING ROOM - DAY

Gwen eyes the lasers skeptically.

GWEN: "So if I accidentally tell Loki to faceplant into a laser beam..."

Loki smirks.

LOKI: "Then I'd know you were lying about that 'harmless' reputation."

NATASHA: (dryly) "This is why we can't have nice things."

Cut to Thor enthusiastically blindfolding Bruce before he can protest

TONY: "Well, looks like Thor and Bruce are up first."

BRUCE: "I don't want to do this..."

TONY: "Relax, the lasers are harmless. You'll get a slight zap but nothing damaging. More motivation to keep your partner safe, right?"

BRUCE: "WHAT?!"

Thor roughly guides Bruce to the start of the tunnel.

TONY: "Go!"

Thor starts guiding Bruce with directions that are difficult to understand.

THOR: "Your forward leg goes left and your right hand over. No, over!"

Bruce stumbles, barely managing to avoid a laser.

BRUCE: "THOR! You're supposed to say 'step left,' 'duck,' not whatever those directions are!"

Meanwhile, Gwen and Loki are next. Loki takes the initiative, wrapping the blindfold around Gwen's eyes with surprising gentleness.

Loki grins.

LOKI: "I hope you like surprises."

The camera follows them as they cautiously enter the dark tunnel.

GWEN: (mouths to the camera jokingly) "I'm scared."

TONY: "Get over here, you two. Let's see if you get zapped less than Bruce, who hit the lasers 26 times."

BRUCE: (still rubbing his arm) "I would like to state for the record that I was protesting this entire activity."

Gwen gets set at the start of the tunnel. Loki studies the laser beams for a moment and smiles.

LOKI: "On the ground."

GWEN: "What?"

LOKI: "Lay down. Good. Roll sideways. Now army crawl. STOP. Duck walk."

Gwen looks like a total goof but she makes it through the tunnel without a zap.

GWEN: "Was that really the easiest way to do it?"

Loki helps remove her blindfold with a self-satisfied smirk.

LOKI: "The easiest? No. The most entertaining for me? Absolutely."

Cut to Tony looking thoroughly annoyed as he checks his clipboard.

TONY: "Another win for the cheating duo. Moving on!"

Natasha and Clint approach the tunnel next, already bickering about strategy.

NATASHA: (deadpan) "If you get us zapped, I'm throwing you out the Quinjet later."

CLINT: "I feel so loved."

Camera lingers on Gwen and Loki's victorious smirks as chaos continues around them.

ACT TWO

The team takes a break from physical activities and sits in a circle holding their folders.

TONY: "Inside your folder is a personality assessment of your partner. You are going to be problem solving as your partner. So, Thor, you would solve the problem as Bruce would based on the assessment. Got it?"

GWEN: "I don't have an assessment."

TONY: "Well, Gwennie, you didn't have a partner originally. Just...act like Loki. Here's the situation: We are on a spacecraft that has been hit by an asteroid, damaging critical systems. Oxygen will run out in 30 minutes. We must work together as a team to restore the ship following the step by step instructions in the folder. You must act as your partner the whole time.

The team opens their folders. A beat of silence. Then chaos erupts.

TONY-AS-STEVE: "By golly, we just need to believe in the spacecraft! Let's solve this ethically and with outdated slang! Gee whiz!"

STEVE-AS-TONY: "I'm adding Bluetooth to the oxygen tanks so we can die stylishly."

Gwen turns slowly to Loki with her most mischievous grin.

GWEN: (channeling Loki’s flair) "The real solution? Let everyone perish while I dramatically monologue about it."

Loki raises an impressed eyebrow as the room devolves into madness around them.

THOR-AS-BRUCE: (reading the steps to restore power) "I know science and science says that we must cry about the problem for at least 5 minutes before we get to work. Then we must negotiate with the system."

BRUCE-AS-THOR: (slightly offended and confused by Thor's portrayal of him) "While you cry, little science man, I will flex my muscles and hit it with my hammer because a hammer solves all problems."

The camera zooms in on Natasha-as-Clint, who dramatically flops onto the floor with her hands behind her head.

NATASHA: (in a perfect imitation of Clint's lazy drawl) "Nah, I'm good. Someone else'll handle it."

Clint-as-Natasha stands over her, arms crossed.

CLINT: (deadpan Natasha impression) "Get up or I'm testing how flammable your hair is."

Loki laughs hysterically at the chaos.

GWEN-AS-LOKI: "I've taken and hidden 15 screws from the control panel that may or may not be necessary. We will find out in 30 minutes how important they are. I will give them back to you if you declare me king of the spaceship."

Loki-as-Gwen grins, impressed by the chaotic flair.

LOKI-AS-GWEN: "Oh, bravo! Excellent touch with the missing screws. Can I assist you by also hiding a few random wires to delay the repair even further? Just for good measure."

GWEN-AS-LOKI: "Thank you, Gwen, for your help in my chaos. I prefer to work alone but you are clearly a genius and my favorite Avenger."

LOKI-AS-GWEN: (placing a dramatic hand over his heart) "I'm honored. You're the only one here who appreciates my talents. Perhaps I can simply grow a plant with a bat of my eyelashes and charm everyone into thinking I'm harmless."

INT - AVENGERS TOWER TRAINING ROOM - DAY

Cut to Tony, who has somehow managed to "Steve-ify" a tablet into looking like it's from the 1940s.

TONY-AS-STEVE: "Now if I just... press this very old-timey button labeled 'HOPE'—"

STEVE-AS-TONY: (snatching it away) "That's proprietary tech! You can't just hope at it!"

Camera pans out to show absolute pandemonium. The timer for oxygen counts down ominously in the background.

NATASHA-AS-CLINT: "I can point at the problem and say 'pew pew.' Will that solve it?"

THOR-AS-BRUCE: "If I change into the other guy, we will have a worse problem, so no one startle me."

CLINT-AS-NATASHA: "I don't know anything about fixing spaceships but you all are annoying. Out of my way. I'm in charge now."

BRUCE-AS-THOR: "Oxygen is no problem for me. I am the God of Thunder....What is oxygen?"

GWEN-AS-LOKI: (standing on a chair for dramatic effect) "All of you are beneath me—literally now, since I'm standing higher. If we’re going to die, let's at least make it entertaining. Who wants to hear a tragic backstory while we suffocate?"

LOKI-AS-GWEN: "Watch as I single-handedly save us all with my plant powers—oh wait, I’m in space with zero plants...I’ll just stand here looking innocent and cheering everyone on until I guess I'll just die."

TONY TALKING HEAD

TONY: “If this doesn’t get us an Emmy for Best Unscripted Drama, I’m suing someone.”

INT - AVENGERS TOWER TRAINING ROOM - DAY

Tony suddenly drops character and looks around at everyone. They are all loud and maybe on the verge of fighting.

TONY: "Uh...should we maybe actually fix this fake spaceship before the fake oxygen runs out?"

STEVE: (also breaking character)"I was hoping someone would suggest that."

THOR TALKING HEAD:

THOR: "A GLORIOUS BATTLE OF WITS! Though I still do not understand why Friend Banner wished to 'science cry.' Is this a Midgardian ritual?"

Cut to Thor still trying to "science cry" while Bruce flexes at the control panel.

TONY: (raising his voice over the chaos) "Nevermind. Game over. You all somehow managed to break role-playing and a fake spaceship."

Gwen drops her "Loki" act immediately with a dramatic sigh of relief.

GWEN: "Thank goodness. I was about to start stabbing people for real just to stay in character."

Loki grins, clearly delighted by the whole mess.

LOKI: "That was...unexpectedly enjoyable. We should do it again sometime."

Tony tosses his folder onto the ground in exasperation.

TONY: "That's it. Team-building is officially canceled forever."

GWEN TALKING HEAD

GWEN: “I think the real team-building was realizing we should never do this again.”

(Beat)

“But also, I totally won.”

CLINT TALKING HEAD

CLINT: "I did the best portrayal by far. I think I really nailed Natasha's glare and swaying hips."

TONY TALKING HEAD

TONY: (Leaning back in his chair, rubbing his temples) "Okay, maybe team-building was a mistake. But look on the bright side—at least nobody actually stabbed anyone. Except Gwen thought about it, which is... progress?"

INT. AVENGERS TOWER COMMON COMMON ROOM/KITCHEN - NIGHT

Tony is sitting at the table, with papers and folders in front of him. The rest of the team is quietly lounging in various places around the room.

TONY: "I think I figured out why it went so poorly. These are not the correct assessments. They have been altered. I didn't write half of these things. I do not have 'sexual fantasies about robots.' Real classy, guys."

The team suppresses a laugh. No one owns up to the altered assessments.

Steve, trying (and failing) to maintain a neutral expression, speaks up.

STEVE: "So...who do you think changed them?"

Tony looks around the room at the rest of the Avengers, who are still trying not to burst out laughing.

Loki, clearly enjoying Tony's discomfort, smirks.

LOKI: "Oh, my money is on the archer."

CLINT: "Hey, I take offense at that. I am perfectly innocent. It was probably you or Gwen. She has been spending too much time with you, picking up your bad habits."

Camera pans over to Natasha smirking subtly.

NATASHA TALKING HEAD

NATASHA: (She is absolutely guilty.) "No comment."

INT. AVENGERS TOWER COMMON COMMON ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY

Tony is still flipping through the "adjusted" assessments.

TONY: "Okay, whoever wrote this said that I have an 'obsession with making everything Iron Man-themed'? This one even has citations!"

BRUCE: "I mean, you did try to brand the entire kitchen with your logo last week..."

GWEN: "And my tactical gear that you designed has your logo and initials embroidered on the inside... anyway, no, I didn't change anything in the folders. Let's just leave this one as a mystery. I think it worked out just fine and was even kind of fun."

Tony rolls his eyes at Gwen.

TONY: "Only you would think that was fun."

THOR: "What does my assessment say?"

TONY: "It says that you have a fondness for 'cat videos on the internet.'"

Bruce looks at Thor with genuine confusion.

BRUCE: "Is that...false?"

THOR: (confused) "Are the cats making the videos or in the videos? I do not understand..."

Tony pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration.

TONY: "Never mind, Thor. Not important."

CLINT: "What about my assessment?"

TONY: "It says you...have a 'strong desire to pet every dog you see.' Is that true?"

CLINT: "One hundred percent accurate."

Gwen stands to go.

GWEN: "I think I'm calling it a day. Never tell me what nonsense is written in my fake assessment."

After she leaves, Tony picks hers up and laughs out loud.

TONY: "Whoever wrote this said that Gwen sticks her feet in soil every night and has named her favorite plant after Loki."

STEVE: "That's oddly specific and weirdly believable."

BRUCE: "You know, she does spend a lot of time in the greenhouse."

TONY: "And she talks to plants as if they can understand her. Maybe the assessment isn't too far off."

NATASHA: "Plant science is complicated. Maybe she does name them."

Tony shakes his head in amusement.

TONY: "Alright, mystery prankster—whoever you are—well played. I'm putting these folders in the 'never again' pile."

INT. - AVENGERS TOWER HALLWAY - NIGHT

Loki catches up to Gwen in the hallway.

LOKI: "You know I only stayed for the entertainment of it all, right? Stark was bound to make you all look ridiculous, and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to watch. I would never participate in nonsense like that normally."

GWEN: "Oh...yeah, I know."

LOKI: "You were...not a terrible partner to have."

GWEN: "Not terrible. I'll take it. I’m glad you were my partner. I think I had the most fun with you."

LOKI: "Next time, I expect more cheating and mischief out of you."

GWEN: "Right. Next time. Good night, Loki."

Gwen continues down the hallway to her apartment. Camera pans down to find the much larger Fjölnarkatt strutting down the hallway.

END OF SHOW